First off, let me say thank you to those of you who commented on my last post. Complete strangers offered words of comfort and hope as well as good friends and wonderful family.
I forgot to add on that post that Ben did have some positive moments that day also. He picked up on two new signs..."pig" and "baby". I should have taught him "baby" ages ago since he loves them so much. He gets excited every time he sees one in person or on a movie or in a book. It's always exciting for me to see him start using a new sign. Some other recent ones include "help", "juice", and "car". It's wonderful to be able to communicate more and more with him. It makes everyone happier. Speaking of happier...that's how things have been around here the last two days. Ben's eating normal food again until we decide what to do about the diet. He's not sick at all like I suspected during the diet trial...so that's a "yeah!"
Well, I said above that things have been happier here...until this evening...
In a nutshell, I have been on antidepressants for the last 13 years. I've gotten to a point where I'm not on a very large dose and I only take it every few days because I don't feel like I need it daily. Sometimes that makes for a hard crash though if I go too long without it.
Things all kind of came to a point tonight. I had had a poor moment with Josh during his piano lesson (what is it about piano lessons and attitudes?) Ben was pretty needy (wanting me to hold him), I realized I needed to run to WalMart fast and buy sweats for Matt and Abby to wear under their soccer uniforms for both of their games tonight since it was so cold outside..., I was planning on picking up pizza for dinner, and I was running late (as usual).
I left the house (and a crying Ben) at about ten minutes to five. Our first soccer game was at 5:30. I left in a terrible mood because I was mad at myself for being behind schedule and I knew it would make the rest of the evening behind schedule. While standing in line to check out at WalMart I did something that I do when I'm giving into my depressive state. I picked up a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and added it to my "to buy" pile. I eat...and it's usually chocolate...it's feels even better if I'm trying to lose weight at the time. I ate it all up as I drove from WalMart to Little Caesar's. I sat in line too long and then when I got to the window the poor kid asked if it was okay if the cheese was going to take 2 or 3 minutes longer. I looked at the clock, I looked back at him and must have looked somewhat upset because he very sincerely apologized. I reassured him that it wasn't his fault and then asked if I could just have two pepperonis instead please. I knew my kids would not be happy. Andy's the only one that likes pepperoni...and even though we tell the kids to just take it off, we know it pulls all the cheese off with it..and who likes pizza without cheese? Anyway, something to look forward to when I got home :)
Oh ya, and on the way home I realized that Josh had scouts at the same time as the first soccer game...in like five minutes!
I dreaded entering the house when I got home. I knew I would be a mess trying to get the kids ready for soccer and eat dinner and be nice about it all at the same time. I definitely did not succeed at being nice. When I'm in that kind of mood it's just such a downward spiral.
Bless Andy's heart...he knew what a mess I was and so he had tried to do everything he could to be helpful and have the kids ready as much as he could when I got home.
I won't even try and recount what occurred in those few minutes but I will say that it included two trips for me into the bathroom so I could just cry...which I had absolutely no time to be doing.
I ended up grabbing Abby and Josh, dropping Josh off at scouts and taking Abby to her game. We were almost 15 minutes late. Andy and the boys followed a bit later.
A friend that I hadn't seen in a while walked up to me right away and talked to me for quite a while. That helped me normalize a little bit. A few minutes after Andy came with the boys it was time to go pick Josh up from scouts so he took Matt and did just that and then headed to Matt's game. I stayed with Abby and Ben (who insisted on playing on the playground).
As I stood there and watched Abby's game I realized how ridiculous it had been for me to stress out so much about their soccer clothes. For some reason, I had thought it was important that their sweats match their uniforms. There were girls running around out there in all kinds of colors and things. I totally could have found stuff at home that would have worked. What was my deal?
Ben had a small seizure on the playground and after Abby's game (in which she played very hard) we moved on to Matt's.
My mood had mellowed but I was still not happy with myself.
The thing is, I get so upset about how upset I get. I feel awful for the way I treat my family and that just makes me more depressed. Not a good cycle.
Anyway, Matt's game was a delight! This was his first soccer game ever. We kind of knew that he would enjoy it. He's always been the athlete of the family. He was right in there kicking away, not afraid of anything. He had such a grin on his face the whole game (unless he had game face on that is). He even scored a goal or two. After the game, because there was a bit of confusion as to how many he had actually scored, Andy said, "Matt, did you score one or two goals?" Matt responded happily with, "I scored three!" It made me happy to see him finally get to do what he's wanted to do for so long and excel at it also.
Ben was so excited to have another playground to play on. He also had a small soccer game of his own going on with Dad.
Josh was a great support!
I think I had cheered up sufficiently by the time the second game was over and don't worry...I've taken my medication now so I should be good to go for a few more days :)
Wow! I don't know if I dare hit "publish" on this one. I feel like maybe I've crossed the line between keeping it real and baring my soul that nobody really wants to know about.Forgive me if it's the latter.