Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Depression Stinks!

Forgive me while I scribble a not -so -upbeat post.
Skip it if you like.

I'm still struggling to get a hold of my emotions on this new med.  I've been thrown a particularly hard time the last several days...probably a combination of stress (A.K.A. Ketogenic Diet) and missing a dose.
Along with being sharp with my kids, I've ignored phone calls, turned down opportunities to serve and missed/canceled previously scheduled appointments....all because I know I'll be humiliated when I inevitably break down in tears.  The last two public gatherings I've attended I've embarrassed myself.  
There was a family get together for one of my cousins who was passing through town.  I hadn't seen her in years and I was excited to be able to talk with her and catch up.  Most of the conversation ended up focused around my family and all that's going on.  It drives me crazy when the tears just come and I can't do anything about it.  People think that something is terribly wrong and it's hard to explain that no, really, everything is okay, I'm just emotionally unstable and will cry at the drop of a hat.
It's such a snowball effect...cry, get embarrassed, cry some more because you're embarrassed and frustrated with yourself.

Yesterday, Andy and I attended a husband/wife area inservice for S&I (Seminaries and Institutes).
He was one of three teacher presenters that addressed us at the look out sight above Bear Lake.  These three had all visited Jerusalem and since the New Testament is the course of study for this coming school year, they had them talk about their experiences there.  (Apparently there is an amazing resemblance between the Sea of Galilee and Bear Lake.)

(He did a great job by the way!)

Anyway, at lunch, a sister at our table, just to start some pleasant conversation, asked how our family was doing.  I tried to deflect the question lightly but it came back around to us.  I started tearing up and Andy gallantly stepped in and started talking for me.  I tried to get it under control but just couldn't.  I had to excuse myself with tears streaming down my face, and walk across the whole room of tables filled with people to get to the exit.  
How embarrassing!  Luckily, these are all friends and very kind people so they showed genuine concern and were very understanding.  As a matter of fact, after I returned to the table, the sister that first asked the question told of a similar thing that had happened to her years ago.  I was fine for another couple of hours until I had a small interaction that really was not that big of a deal, but it threw me again for the rest of the meeting.

Last night, when Ben woke up around 2:30, I went in and tucked him back in and lay down on the floor.  For the next hour, our conversation was thus:
Ben:  Maimee!
Me:  What?
Ben:  Neigh! (referring to the horse on the cover of his book)
Me:  Neigh.
Ben:  Maimee!
Me:  What?
Ben:  Neigh!
Me:  Neigh.
Over and over and over.  Sometimes he's a little broken record...a cute, little, broken record :)
He would not go back to sleep.  Depression and lack of sleep is not a good combo.  I became quite frustrated and finally left the room which caused him to start crying.  I went out on the couch and cried too, feeling extremely guilty.  After several minutes, I knelt down and sincerely asked the Lord to help Ben fall back asleep...for both our sakes.  Within 5 minutes he went silent.  I thought Andy had gone in to calm him.  I waited a while and went in our room.  There was Andy in bed...Ben had fallen asleep on his own...he never does that so quickly.  A miracle!
This afternoon, when Andy came home from work, he asked me what had happened during the night.  I explained and when I got to the part about thinking he had gone in to help Ben, he inserted that no, he hadn't done that, but he had offered a prayer for Ben to be able to fall back asleep...yes indeed, a miracle.

I know you don't need to hear about all of this.  It's important for me to get my feelings down though.
I need to see my doctor again, probably tweak my meds...I just don't  know when I can work that in :)
One thing that made me happy tonight was a comment on my blog from someone that I don't know personally but know of.
Jen Giddens, creator of the bag pattern that I reference in this post, contacted me and told me she liked my fabric combos.  She asked permission to use some of my pictures on her blog!  How flattering, and what a nice little bright spot with which to end my day.

I promise my next post will be much more positive :)


  1. I've been through all of these kinds of experiences myself, but I haven't had the level of stress going on in my home with which you are dealing. I can't count the number of times I lost it when someone just made the casual comment, "how ya doin'?" Hang in there--I once wouldn't have believed it myself, but it does get better.
    Very cool about the bag pattern creator contacting you. : )
    (Happy thoughts.)

  2. Aimee, I'm so sorry! Im also sorry we weren't able to watch the kids tonight but please know that we do want to help and if there is anything we can do please let us know! We love you and your family so much and you are all in our prayers!

  3. Oh Aimee, depression does stink! If you just need to cry come on over and we can cry together. Don't ever feel guilty, I always have to tell myself that it's the depression making me feel guilty, not me. It's the depression that makes us do things we don't like, it's not who we are. If I can mentally separate the depression from ME, then it's easier to kick it. You're amazing and are doing great things taking care of your family. :)

  4. Aimee you just need to know how often I tell people about my "amazing" sister in law! You have a lot on your pate and yet handle it all so well. Truly, you do! I love you and your sweet kids (and your husband too... i can say that because he's my brother :-). So just know that i sincerely think (and know) you are incredible! :-)

  5. Aimee, OK I was at the family gathering. You have a bad case of maternal guilt! Seriously, vent some stress to family. It did NOT feel like you were talking too much about your worries and concerns. You are way too hard on yourself.

    I am just starting to ween myself from my medicine to keep me "happy" after having a baby (16 months ago!)...and I think that the decrease in dosage is really doing a number on me. I'm glad that you are so open about your depression and meds, it helps me out a lot!

    I think your mom said you are going to a Dravet conference? I would love to bring you dinner this week if you are around.... let me know. (btw, I don't know how to click yes or no respond on these comments..?)