Loss

Two weeks before Christmas I found out that I had lost our baby.

I went in for a routine check up and the doctor could not find a heartbeat.  She did an ultrasound and confirmed that our baby wasn't alive.

Such pain.

I know that miscarriage is not an uncommon thing...but it's not something that you ever expect to happen to you.  I was 13 weeks along.  Far enough along that I thought we were safe.

In the ultrasound, our baby was measuring to the day...something had just barely happened.  So, of course, you replay the last 24 hours in your mind and think of what you did that could have caused it.

It's hard not to do that.  Dr. M. said that 75% of the time it is just something chromosomal.

She scheduled a D&C for the next day.

The rest of the day was painful...telling Andy, telling the kids...not being able to answer the phone when concerned loved ones called, not being able to mail the Christmas cards that announced our new arrival in June that I had addressed and ready to mail after my appointment.

I had to email my mom because I didn't want to experience the emotions of telling her on the phone.  I was kind of numb and just went through the motions of the rest of the day.  Josh had an orchestra concert that night.

When we got home I lay on the bed and was kind of in and out while Andy took care of the kids.

Before they went to bed they all came in and Andy gave me a blessing.  He said he had just had a good talk with the kids and read some scriptures that had helped them understand things a little more.  

I fell asleep and slept well.

In the morning, before the kids left for school, Josh came to me and told me he hoped there was a miracle and when I went in later that day for my surgery that "the doctor would take an x-ray and find the baby's heart beating again."  He is very tender and took the news the news the hardest.  Bless his heart.

I didn't need to be to the hospital until noon, so for the morning, I cleaned up the house, showered and took Ben downstairs with me.  I turned on a favorite old Christmas movie and broke out a brand new 1000 piece Christmas puzzle.  I've always enjoyed puzzles and wanted to start a Christmas puzzle tradition.  It was good therapy for me and distracted me from the surgery later that day.  Ben played happily on the floor and was a good companion.

My brother, Mom and Dad all took turns watching Ben while Andy and I were at the hospital.  I was in a very sober mood on the way there.  It was snowing very prettily and Andy talked to me about his morning at work.  The secretary at the seminary just found out that she has advanced cancer.  She talked to all the teachers that morning and was so positive and cheerful.  She said she truly felt honored that the Lord trusted her with cancer.  Andy thought it was an appropriate lesson for our current situation.

Having not eaten all morning since I needed to fast for the procedure, I was feeling a bit nauseous.  The drive didn't help and as soon as Andy pulled into the hospital parking lot I had him pull over so I could get out.  I had Andy check in for me and they got me all set up with a hospital gown and a room.  I sat on the bed feeling very vulnerable and sad.  Andy was very comforting and we had a lot of time to talk (we never have time to just talk).  I ended up not going in for surgery until almost 2.  I had Andy ask Dr. M. if she would be able to tell the gender of the baby.  She said most likely not.  That was disappointing to me.  I was anxious as they wheeled me into the O.R. but was soon knocked out cold.  I had forgotten the feeling of going under...kind of nice :)

Next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room and feeling really good.  

It was literally like an emotional switch had been flipped and I felt much more at peace.  A weight had been lifted.

I was able to leave in a short time and Andy and I picked up pizza for dinner.

Andy was so good to be with the kids the next few days as I recovered.  I rested up quite a bit, read, and did last minute online Christmas shopping.
I still have my moments but for the most part I can keep it together.
And now, it makes me happy to think of a sweet little spirit up in heaven waiting for our family :)